20 Years Old

by Jesse Hultberg

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about

"20 Years Old" is the average age of these songs.
I wrote and recorded them in the 90s
after making an independent CD called Jesse Hultberg.

Some are demos or one-takes.
Some are finished mixes.
None have been remastered or remixed.
These are in the original 20th century recordings

None of them were done without the help of Gary Maurer
(Founding member of the music group HEM).

I hope you enjoy these recordings.
They were a pain in the ass to make but I'm proud of them,
and happy to finally share them.

Donations are welcome.

credits

released December 8, 2014

Wow & Flutter
Gary Maurer - bass guitar, programming
Chris Cochrane - electric guitar
Me - acoustic guitar, vocals

Native Son
Gary Maurer - electric guitar, programming
Chris Cochrane - electric guitar
Jon Ossman - bass guitar
Me - acoustic guitar, vocals

Listen To Me Breathe
Gary Maurer - bass guitar, programming
Me - acoustic guitar, vocals

Oceans of Fear
Gary Maurer - bass guitar, programming
Chris Cochrane - electric guitar
Me - acoustic guitar, vocals

Catapult Me
Gary Maurer - bass guitar, programming, percussion
Me - electric and acoustic guitar, vocals

Honest to God Atheist
Me - acoustic guitar, vocals

This Long Ride
Gary Maurer - bass guitar, programming
Michael Hampton - electric guitar
Marty Beller - drums
David Driver - backup voice
Me - acoustic guitar, vocals

Uncle's Day
Gary Maurer - bass and electric guitar, programming
Dan Messé - piano
Me - acoustic guitar, vocals

Happy Hour
Gary Maurer - electric guitar
Michael Hampton - electric guitar
Jon Ossman - bass guitar
Bill Gerstel - drums
Me - acoustic guitar, vocals

Tightrope
Me - acoustic guitar, vocals

Andy Drove
Gary Maurer - bass guitar, programming
Me - acoustic guitar, vocals

Alarm
Gary Maurer - bass guitar
Craig Richey - piano
Bill Gerstel - drums
Me - acoustic guitar, vocals

Colorize It
Gary Maurer - electric guitar
Jon Ossman - bass guitar
Bill Gerstel - drums
Me - acoustic guitar, vocals

The line drawing of me was done by my father Paul Hammer Hultberg
while sitting in a café in Amsterdam, 2014.
My dad has Alzheimer's (b.1926 and still with us in every sense)
This project is dedicated to him.

tags

license

about

Jesse Hultberg Montpellier, France

Founding member of NYC band
3 Teens Kill 4.
Album "No Motive" Point Blank records 1982.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/3_Teens_Kill_4
Performed at Wigstock in NY in the 80s. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wigstock
Appeared in the film Longtime Companion with the Fingerlakes Trio 1989 en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Longtime_Companion
Created Wildmonk Records and released the CD Jesse Hultberg 1994.
... more

contact / help

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Track Name: Wow & Flutter
Wow & Flutter

I’m in this room again
Serving drinks & noone is here but this muscled Mr Clean
This Arm & Hammer man looks at me and he says
Your kind of hot - What’s your game ? - How can I explain ?

Your words sound like an audio cassette that’s baking in the sun
In an old forgotten boombox - We’ve all left the power on
The very fabric’s frayed yea and the playback will make you shudder
All that I can focus on is the wow & flutter

I’m in this room again stuffing napkins in my ears
And we’re all so pissed off - The reinvented punk, queer
I haven’t got the time - After all I did this for years
So some are drunk on mainstreaming - Others addicted to being feared

The words sound like an audio cassette that’s baking in the sun
In an old forgotten boombox - We’ve all left the power on
And my soul is stretched - And my heart stutters
Everything I’ve ever feared is in the wow & flutter

So humans are like dogs
We’re happier in packs
Sniffing at our food and we’re
Sniffing in every crack
The hierarchy’s strict
We size each other up
It’s always been that way
Ever since we were pups

And the words sound like an audio cassette that’s baking in the sun
In an old forgotten boombox baby - We’ve all left the power on
The very fabric’s frayed yea and the playback will make you shudder
Danger and desire both in the wow & flutter

Right and wrong is learned in a sitcom & the bible is just a book
When we have an ear to lend we can hear the barking of man’s best friend

Right and wrong is learned in a pop song & the bible is just a book
If you have an ear to lend I swear I’ll bark like man’s best friend
Track Name: Native Son
There has been a change in the way that I think
I am stopped somewhere between something unseen.
It could be just a feeling.
Oh wait I think I'm changing what I see
Coke bottle glasses don't fit me.
I romanticise community.

Breakdown of all you know, armageddon well under way.
No more This Land is Your Land.
No more Home on the Range.
What makes you so sure it aint
Suppose to be this way.
You're a part of evolution
And a healthy, natural chord change.
Every morning now you're on your knees and praying.
But on Sundays you sleep late yea.
Native daughter and son.
Making your own fun.
Singing your song and teaching yourself
How to read and write
And now you're giggling yourself to sleep tonight

I'm camped on your doorstep are you going let me in?
Cause I'm bleeding and secreting.
Now I'm feeling like I just can't win.
What a crowded planet with an empty heart
Alert on red.
Do you know what really sucks?
What's in my heart is left unsaid.

But every morning now I'm on my knees and praying.
But on Sundays I sleep late cause brunch is great.
I'm a native son.
Having the big FUN
Singing my song and teaching myself computer skills
And now I feel like a prescription filled.

Elevating our role to some dizzying height.
Some unknown altitude
With a human face always in a human place
But somewhere between tradition and invention
I haven't been seen.
At least not recently
And I romanticise community.

Boy I'm having fun.
I'm an American native son.
Researching and rehearsing.
Now I'm marketing myself just right.
Giggling myself to sleep tonight.
Track Name: Listen To Me Breathe
I think he is a regular fellow whatever that is.
He's going to have to learn to run with the other horses.
I want to be proud of him.
But he makes it so difficult for me.
My associates ask me what he wants to be
And I have to tell them that he hasn't made up his mind.
Because I just won't tell them that
He wants to be a……..a folk singer.

I daydreamed in Junior High
Suddenly everyone froze like mannequins
I looked around and I found my guy
Kissed him on the lips and I watched him come alive
Among staring empty eyes, in that silent crowded room
We messed around.
Hot breath in our ears, both of us saying the one thing
We had to hear. We said.

You're not alone.You're with me.
You're not alone anymore
You can get up off the floor
And something in your eyes
Telling me
You've had enough of this exclusive club
Wrap me up, kiss me hard
And listen to me breathe.

In High School I could see
Inclusion in the recipe of all I did
Sports team and music scene,
I did just about everything
Even politics.
Aborted attempts at family
And ultimatums my lovers received
A tribal feeling whispering.

You're not alone.You're with me.
You're not alone anymore
You can get up off the floor
And something in your eyes
Telling me
You've had enough of this exclusive club
So wrap me up and kiss me hard
Listen to me breathe.

Somehow later on it all got turned around.
Maniacally attached to the isolation booth
In Jeannie's bottle with pillows strewn I'd lounge around.
Waiting for Major Anthony Nelson.
Folk Singer
Yea Yea Yea Yea Yea Yea

You're not alone.You're with me.
You're not alone anymore
You can get up off the floor
And something in your eyes
Telling me
You've had enough of this exclusive club
So wrap me up, kiss me hard
And listen to me breathe.
Track Name: Oceans of Fear
Yiddish
Max is no longer here but I see him every day
A polaroid on my wall with his mom on 14th street
I remember nights dancing with him on Ave A
His arms swinging around him
And a big smile on his face

The night is over and I fall asleep
In these flowers so deep
I often wander and I disappear
And I’ve learned to love in oceans of fear

Oo – oo - oo

Young adults who lose their friends
Live out old age before middle age begins
I never imagined I’d survive
And sometimes I wonder if I really am.

The night is over and I fall asleep
Among the flowers so deep
I often wander and I disappear
And I’ve learned to love in oceans of fear

Quand il était sur place il a vécu ça quand même mort
Parce qu’il n’a jamais pensé qu’il survivrait mais…Il est vivant.

Pourquoi il sourit tout le temps ?
Yiddish
Track Name: Catapult Me
You have gathered information
Maybe reached a conclusion
Test-drove the situation
Are you coming back for more ?

I’m escalating the crisis
To find a bonafide truth
I think a learning experience
Is something you could use.

I am a foreign language
You learned in a text book
But now you’re roaming around my big tourist town
And you don’t understand a word

Typical human in charge of everyone around you
Except for yourself and the things you say and do
We need the hearing of a blind man
And the ambition of a politician to get through
Don’t say I didn’t warn you

Your personal catharsis
Might catapult you
And take you up in the air
But will you take me up there too ?

Oo darling won’t you
Catapult me too
Baby won’t you
Catapult me too
Woa Woa Woa
Mm mm mm
Yea

I’m coming back for more
Are you coming back for more ?
Track Name: Honest to God Atheist
You told me you don't believe in him or any almighty.
You said love is inside.
It's what you give that's what is left when you die.
Now you've changed, you have a glazed look a bliss.
You're as plastic as a dashboard Jesus
What does it take after all this to find me an honest to god atheist.

You told me you were not monogamous.
And people aren't things you possess.
I shared myself with my dear friend baby
You hit the roof you said it's the end
Like some crazed evangelist.
I guess there was something I must have missed
What does it take after all this to find me an honest to god atheist.

I know where I come from and I have seen the past.
I've heard the questions, I've even asked.
But the main thing from where I had to start was to
Balance my body, my mind and my heart.
And I know the meaning of the word fascist.
I'm always on somebody's blacklist.
What does it take after all this to find me an honest to god atheist.

I'm telling you I don't believe in him or any almighty
I guess what I'm saying is love is inside
It's what you give that's what is left when you die.
It's amazing how you persist.
I guess those endorphins are hard to resist.
What does it take after all this to find me an honest to god atheist.
Track Name: This Long Ride
You and I have analysed this before
Scavenging details on the forest floor
When I look up what do you think that I see ?
You and all these trees around me

You’re in my heart
It’s like you put the wind in my sail
You help start
This long ride

What we do doesn’t really have a name
We do not reflect the paradigm
I’m bending rules cause these rules I can’t use
Cause I don’t want to lose you

You’re in my heart
With every role that you play
You help start
This long Ride

We are sailing on

I don’t claim to know
What’s going on
But I know I feel the pressure is on
So I count on you for some things yes it’s true
And I know you count on me too

I’m in your heart
Every morning I awake with you I help start
This Long Ride
Track Name: Uncle's Day
Right off the bat I should say In case you’re confused
This song is more about me than it is you
I don’t have a clue just what uncles really do
Where is a sample ? A startup kit
One good example I swear I’ll follow it

Throughout the years of his choices growing thin
My brother still questions even when he wins
But since you were born from ear to ear he grins
And is it any wonder what it is you showed him
I would swear you taught him to sing

My aunts and uncles well I never knew
But… there is a nephew and a cousin I am beginning to
And… what I’d really like to say
Is….. let’s not wait for Uncle’s Day

How is it going ? Tell me how do you feel ?
Climbing the walls frustrated in some way.
And what can I do ? Tell me how can I help you ?
Cause I am a little scared but I won’t hesitate no
Our family extends at least this far they say
And I think you realize when I’m looking in your eyes
Besides you I see this tiny little glimpse of me
Track Name: Happy Hour
We met at a happy hour
The regulars staring from their seats
Yea, I was bored and tired
Downing my half-priced drink
You’d seen a matinee show
At a porno cinema down the street
I felt your warm after glow
Goodness knows what you felt in me
We didn’t say good-by
And I hope you don’t mind I feel inclined to say something about that day

We met on Ile Saint Louis
In a Bateau Mouche’s spotlight glare
The moving bushes in front of me
My ass was cold but I didn’t care
You mumbled something strange
and I said I didn’t know
I don’t recall your name
But your eyes I’ll never let go
We didn’t say good-by
So I hope you don’t mind
I feel inclined to sing something about everything
We didn’t say good-by
And I hope you don’t mind I feel inclined to say something about that day
Track Name: Tightrope
Now that I’ve been witness
I testify that all my lies were to myself
I’m prosecution and defense as well
And judge

I’ve been walking a tightrope
Stretched between a feeling a relief
And a sense of hope and now I’m
Purposely blurring my own point of view
Of me and you

No question in my mind
I benefit from a doubt
Leading me further in
And further out

Now that I’ve seen everything
I memorize the words before I sing
Let the chorus repeat over and over again
My friend

I’ve been walking a tightrope
And I balance an umbrella and a chair
Without a second thought I lift one leg
In the air

No question in my mind
I benefit from a doubt
Leading me further in
And further out
Track Name: Andy Drove
Borderline passing him by
Still he asks himself
Where am I now?
In the desert there’s a sudden storm
You know the shallow sand won’t hold the flood

It’s been coming too long a time
Isolation is a virus in your blood
And these western states never end
No there’s noone here it’s nothing like home

He stops in every gas station to cut
The all night long conversation that’s in his head
Screaming now I’m leaving
Going where nobody knows me, Andy drove

Do you know me cause I’m someone you love
But the fog is thick and I’m on cruise control
And I’ve been lonely
Still I think you know
Rising or setting the sun is still a sun

I stop in every gas station to cut
The all night long conversation that’s in my head
Screaming now I’m leaving
Going where nobody knows me, Andy drove

By the time he got to San Diego
He booked himself a hotel room
And rented a porn video
Just to see what we do
What do we do?

Borderline passing me by
Still I ask myself, where am I now?
In the desert I’m a sudden storm
You know the shallow sand won’t hold my flood
Leaving going where nobody knows me, Andy drove
Track Name: Alarm
Love won’t you tell me a tale
I’ve been living too long on the fly
Your mystery could surely cheer me
Dry up the tears that I cry

Love
Sound your alarm
Love lose the guilt and shame
Love come make me high and dream

Anger you have pushed me along
Making me shake and scream
Your pill in its protective coating
Is seeping in my bloodstream

Anger Love
Sound your alarm
Anger love lose the guilt and shame
Anger love come make me high and dream

Indifference I recognize you
I’m bullied by your careless charm
You’re walking the streets and you’re making zombies
Giving anger a jumpstart

But you lie when you sound your alarm
And you feed on the guilt and shame
And you have made me so high
I sleep

Love won’t you tell me a tale
I’ve been living too long on the fly
Your mystery could surely cheer me
Dry up the tears that I cry

Love
Sound your alarm
Love lose the guilt and shame
Love come make me high and dream
Track Name: Colorize It
I noticed right away how you were very clean
So I was super careful just where I placed my drink
That’s when the question hit me
I guess that’s when I crashed
Do you really like me ?
Or are you just taking out the trash ?
Colorize It

Something deep down is screaming
Something isn’t right
But something else is saying
I don’t know you just might
And so I lay it on validation in sight
I will ignore the black
And I will refuse the white
Colorize It

And the clock is ticking and the seconds pass
Now I’m thinking this will never last
So I fake it just a little more
I tell you that I like sex but I am no whore

This big exec once told me
I love how you’re so gay
There is no doubt my boy
You’re going to be big one day
But on the road to greatness
Before you’re all the rage
I would if I were you refrain from saying my real age
Colorize It

And the sand is filling up the hour glass
And you know I’m thinking this will never last
So I fake it just a little more
I tell you I’m 25 and I’m really 6 foot 4

Well now I’m taking my time accepting simple facts
I’m boring and perplexed and I want the things that I lack
But subtle is lost on you, you’re busy being intense
I’m just another gay boy without any fashion sense
Colorize It