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20 Years Old

by Jesse Hultberg

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1.
Wow & Flutter I’m in this room again Serving drinks & noone is here but this muscled Mr Clean This Arm & Hammer man looks at me and he says Your kind of hot - What’s your game ? - How can I explain ? Your words sound like an audio cassette that’s baking in the sun In an old forgotten boombox - We’ve all left the power on The very fabric’s frayed yea and the playback will make you shudder All that I can focus on is the wow & flutter I’m in this room again stuffing napkins in my ears And we’re all so pissed off - The reinvented punk, queer I haven’t got the time - After all I did this for years So some are drunk on mainstreaming - Others addicted to being feared The words sound like an audio cassette that’s baking in the sun In an old forgotten boombox - We’ve all left the power on And my soul is stretched - And my heart stutters Everything I’ve ever feared is in the wow & flutter So humans are like dogs We’re happier in packs Sniffing at our food and we’re Sniffing in every crack The hierarchy’s strict We size each other up It’s always been that way Ever since we were pups And the words sound like an audio cassette that’s baking in the sun In an old forgotten boombox baby - We’ve all left the power on The very fabric’s frayed yea and the playback will make you shudder Danger and desire both in the wow & flutter Right and wrong is learned in a sitcom & the bible is just a book When we have an ear to lend we can hear the barking of man’s best friend Right and wrong is learned in a pop song & the bible is just a book If you have an ear to lend I swear I’ll bark like man’s best friend
2.
Native Son 04:02
There has been a change in the way that I think I am stopped somewhere between something unseen. It could be just a feeling. Oh wait I think I'm changing what I see Coke bottle glasses don't fit me. I romanticise community. Breakdown of all you know, armageddon well under way. No more This Land is Your Land. No more Home on the Range. What makes you so sure it aint Suppose to be this way. You're a part of evolution And a healthy, natural chord change. Every morning now you're on your knees and praying. But on Sundays you sleep late yea. Native daughter and son. Making your own fun. Singing your song and teaching yourself How to read and write And now you're giggling yourself to sleep tonight I'm camped on your doorstep are you going let me in? Cause I'm bleeding and secreting. Now I'm feeling like I just can't win. What a crowded planet with an empty heart Alert on red. Do you know what really sucks? What's in my heart is left unsaid. But every morning now I'm on my knees and praying. But on Sundays I sleep late cause brunch is great. I'm a native son. Having the big FUN Singing my song and teaching myself computer skills And now I feel like a prescription filled. Elevating our role to some dizzying height. Some unknown altitude With a human face always in a human place But somewhere between tradition and invention I haven't been seen. At least not recently And I romanticise community. Boy I'm having fun. I'm an American native son. Researching and rehearsing. Now I'm marketing myself just right. Giggling myself to sleep tonight.
3.
I think he is a regular fellow whatever that is. He's going to have to learn to run with the other horses. I want to be proud of him. But he makes it so difficult for me. My associates ask me what he wants to be And I have to tell them that he hasn't made up his mind. Because I just won't tell them that He wants to be a……..a folk singer. I daydreamed in Junior High Suddenly everyone froze like mannequins I looked around and I found my guy Kissed him on the lips and I watched him come alive Among staring empty eyes, in that silent crowded room We messed around. Hot breath in our ears, both of us saying the one thing We had to hear. We said. You're not alone.You're with me. You're not alone anymore You can get up off the floor And something in your eyes Telling me You've had enough of this exclusive club Wrap me up, kiss me hard And listen to me breathe. In High School I could see Inclusion in the recipe of all I did Sports team and music scene, I did just about everything Even politics. Aborted attempts at family And ultimatums my lovers received A tribal feeling whispering. You're not alone.You're with me. You're not alone anymore You can get up off the floor And something in your eyes Telling me You've had enough of this exclusive club So wrap me up and kiss me hard Listen to me breathe. Somehow later on it all got turned around. Maniacally attached to the isolation booth In Jeannie's bottle with pillows strewn I'd lounge around. Waiting for Major Anthony Nelson. Folk Singer Yea Yea Yea Yea Yea Yea You're not alone.You're with me. You're not alone anymore You can get up off the floor And something in your eyes Telling me You've had enough of this exclusive club So wrap me up, kiss me hard And listen to me breathe.
4.
Yiddish Max is no longer here but I see him every day A polaroid on my wall with his mom on 14th street I remember nights dancing with him on Ave A His arms swinging around him And a big smile on his face The night is over and I fall asleep In these flowers so deep I often wander and I disappear And I’ve learned to love in oceans of fear Oo – oo - oo Young adults who lose their friends Live out old age before middle age begins I never imagined I’d survive And sometimes I wonder if I really am. The night is over and I fall asleep Among the flowers so deep I often wander and I disappear And I’ve learned to love in oceans of fear Quand il était sur place il a vécu ça quand même mort Parce qu’il n’a jamais pensé qu’il survivrait mais…Il est vivant. Pourquoi il sourit tout le temps ? Yiddish
5.
Catapult Me 04:04
You have gathered information Maybe reached a conclusion Test-drove the situation Are you coming back for more ? I’m escalating the crisis To find a bonafide truth I think a learning experience Is something you could use. I am a foreign language You learned in a text book But now you’re roaming around my big tourist town And you don’t understand a word Typical human in charge of everyone around you Except for yourself and the things you say and do We need the hearing of a blind man And the ambition of a politician to get through Don’t say I didn’t warn you Your personal catharsis Might catapult you And take you up in the air But will you take me up there too ? Oo darling won’t you Catapult me too Baby won’t you Catapult me too Woa Woa Woa Mm mm mm Yea I’m coming back for more Are you coming back for more ?
6.
You told me you don't believe in him or any almighty. You said love is inside. It's what you give that's what is left when you die. Now you've changed, you have a glazed look a bliss. You're as plastic as a dashboard Jesus What does it take after all this to find me an honest to god atheist. You told me you were not monogamous. And people aren't things you possess. I shared myself with my dear friend baby You hit the roof you said it's the end Like some crazed evangelist. I guess there was something I must have missed What does it take after all this to find me an honest to god atheist. I know where I come from and I have seen the past. I've heard the questions, I've even asked. But the main thing from where I had to start was to Balance my body, my mind and my heart. And I know the meaning of the word fascist. I'm always on somebody's blacklist. What does it take after all this to find me an honest to god atheist. I'm telling you I don't believe in him or any almighty I guess what I'm saying is love is inside It's what you give that's what is left when you die. It's amazing how you persist. I guess those endorphins are hard to resist. What does it take after all this to find me an honest to god atheist.
7.
You and I have analysed this before Scavenging details on the forest floor When I look up what do you think that I see ? You and all these trees around me You’re in my heart It’s like you put the wind in my sail You help start This long ride What we do doesn’t really have a name We do not reflect the paradigm I’m bending rules cause these rules I can’t use Cause I don’t want to lose you You’re in my heart With every role that you play You help start This long Ride We are sailing on I don’t claim to know What’s going on But I know I feel the pressure is on So I count on you for some things yes it’s true And I know you count on me too I’m in your heart Every morning I awake with you I help start This Long Ride
8.
Uncle's Day 04:41
Right off the bat I should say In case you’re confused This song is more about me than it is you I don’t have a clue just what uncles really do Where is a sample ? A startup kit One good example I swear I’ll follow it Throughout the years of his choices growing thin My brother still questions even when he wins But since you were born from ear to ear he grins And is it any wonder what it is you showed him I would swear you taught him to sing My aunts and uncles well I never knew But… there is a nephew and a cousin I am beginning to And… what I’d really like to say Is….. let’s not wait for Uncle’s Day How is it going ? Tell me how do you feel ? Climbing the walls frustrated in some way. And what can I do ? Tell me how can I help you ? Cause I am a little scared but I won’t hesitate no Our family extends at least this far they say And I think you realize when I’m looking in your eyes Besides you I see this tiny little glimpse of me
9.
Happy Hour 03:24
We met at a happy hour The regulars staring from their seats Yea, I was bored and tired Downing my half-priced drink You’d seen a matinee show At a porno cinema down the street I felt your warm after glow Goodness knows what you felt in me We didn’t say good-by And I hope you don’t mind I feel inclined to say something about that day We met on Ile Saint Louis In a Bateau Mouche’s spotlight glare The moving bushes in front of me My ass was cold but I didn’t care You mumbled something strange and I said I didn’t know I don’t recall your name But your eyes I’ll never let go We didn’t say good-by So I hope you don’t mind I feel inclined to sing something about everything We didn’t say good-by And I hope you don’t mind I feel inclined to say something about that day
10.
Tightrope 04:03
Now that I’ve been witness I testify that all my lies were to myself I’m prosecution and defense as well And judge I’ve been walking a tightrope Stretched between a feeling a relief And a sense of hope and now I’m Purposely blurring my own point of view Of me and you No question in my mind I benefit from a doubt Leading me further in And further out Now that I’ve seen everything I memorize the words before I sing Let the chorus repeat over and over again My friend I’ve been walking a tightrope And I balance an umbrella and a chair Without a second thought I lift one leg In the air No question in my mind I benefit from a doubt Leading me further in And further out
11.
Andy Drove 04:45
Borderline passing him by Still he asks himself Where am I now? In the desert there’s a sudden storm You know the shallow sand won’t hold the flood It’s been coming too long a time Isolation is a virus in your blood And these western states never end No there’s noone here it’s nothing like home He stops in every gas station to cut The all night long conversation that’s in his head Screaming now I’m leaving Going where nobody knows me, Andy drove Do you know me cause I’m someone you love But the fog is thick and I’m on cruise control And I’ve been lonely Still I think you know Rising or setting the sun is still a sun I stop in every gas station to cut The all night long conversation that’s in my head Screaming now I’m leaving Going where nobody knows me, Andy drove By the time he got to San Diego He booked himself a hotel room And rented a porn video Just to see what we do What do we do? Borderline passing me by Still I ask myself, where am I now? In the desert I’m a sudden storm You know the shallow sand won’t hold my flood Leaving going where nobody knows me, Andy drove
12.
Alarm 04:12
Love won’t you tell me a tale I’ve been living too long on the fly Your mystery could surely cheer me Dry up the tears that I cry Love Sound your alarm Love lose the guilt and shame Love come make me high and dream Anger you have pushed me along Making me shake and scream Your pill in its protective coating Is seeping in my bloodstream Anger Love Sound your alarm Anger love lose the guilt and shame Anger love come make me high and dream Indifference I recognize you I’m bullied by your careless charm You’re walking the streets and you’re making zombies Giving anger a jumpstart But you lie when you sound your alarm And you feed on the guilt and shame And you have made me so high I sleep Love won’t you tell me a tale I’ve been living too long on the fly Your mystery could surely cheer me Dry up the tears that I cry Love Sound your alarm Love lose the guilt and shame Love come make me high and dream
13.
Colorize It 03:41
I noticed right away how you were very clean So I was super careful just where I placed my drink That’s when the question hit me I guess that’s when I crashed Do you really like me ? Or are you just taking out the trash ? Colorize It Something deep down is screaming Something isn’t right But something else is saying I don’t know you just might And so I lay it on validation in sight I will ignore the black And I will refuse the white Colorize It And the clock is ticking and the seconds pass Now I’m thinking this will never last So I fake it just a little more I tell you that I like sex but I am no whore This big exec once told me I love how you’re so gay There is no doubt my boy You’re going to be big one day But on the road to greatness Before you’re all the rage I would if I were you refrain from saying my real age Colorize It And the sand is filling up the hour glass And you know I’m thinking this will never last So I fake it just a little more I tell you I’m 25 and I’m really 6 foot 4 Well now I’m taking my time accepting simple facts I’m boring and perplexed and I want the things that I lack But subtle is lost on you, you’re busy being intense I’m just another gay boy without any fashion sense Colorize It

about

"20 Years Old" is the average age of these songs.
I wrote and recorded them in the 90s
after making an independent CD called Jesse Hultberg.

Some are demos or one-takes.
Some are finished mixes.
None have been remastered or remixed.
These are in the original 20th century recordings

None of them were done without the help of Gary Maurer
(Founding member of the music group HEM).

I hope you enjoy these recordings.
They were a pain in the ass to make but I'm proud of them,
and happy to finally share them.

Donations are welcome.

credits

released December 8, 2014

Wow & Flutter
Gary Maurer - bass guitar, programming
Chris Cochrane - electric guitar
Me - acoustic guitar, vocals

Native Son
Gary Maurer - electric guitar, programming
Chris Cochrane - electric guitar
Jon Ossman - bass guitar
Me - acoustic guitar, vocals

Listen To Me Breathe
Gary Maurer - bass guitar, programming
Me - acoustic guitar, vocals

Oceans of Fear
Gary Maurer - bass guitar, programming
Chris Cochrane - electric guitar
Me - acoustic guitar, vocals

Catapult Me
Gary Maurer - bass guitar, programming, percussion
Me - electric and acoustic guitar, vocals

Honest to God Atheist
Me - acoustic guitar, vocals

This Long Ride
Gary Maurer - bass guitar, programming
Michael Hampton - electric guitar
Marty Beller - drums
David Driver - backup voice
Me - acoustic guitar, vocals

Uncle's Day
Gary Maurer - bass and electric guitar, programming
Dan Messé - piano
Me - acoustic guitar, vocals

Happy Hour
Gary Maurer - electric guitar
Michael Hampton - electric guitar
Jon Ossman - bass guitar
Bill Gerstel - drums
Me - acoustic guitar, vocals

Tightrope
Me - acoustic guitar, vocals

Andy Drove
Gary Maurer - bass guitar, programming
Me - acoustic guitar, vocals

Alarm
Gary Maurer - bass guitar
Craig Richey - piano
Bill Gerstel - drums
Me - acoustic guitar, vocals

Colorize It
Gary Maurer - electric guitar
Jon Ossman - bass guitar
Bill Gerstel - drums
Me - acoustic guitar, vocals

The line drawing of me was done by my father Paul Hammer Hultberg
while sitting in a café in Amsterdam, 2014.
My dad has Alzheimer's (b.1926 and still with us in every sense)
This project is dedicated to him.

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about

Jesse Hultberg Montpellier, France

Founding member of NYC band
3 Teens Kill 4.
Album "No Motive" Point Blank records 1982.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/3_Teens_Kill_4
Performed at Wigstock in NY in the 80s. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wigstock
Appeared in the film Longtime Companion with the Fingerlakes Trio 1989 en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Longtime_Companion
Created Wildmonk Records and released the CD Jesse Hultberg 1994.
... more

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